Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping. I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun. Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc. I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.
The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift. Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go. It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw. I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.
However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation. Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.
She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors. The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.
I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead. I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care
I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed
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