The Long Goodbye

This is a slightly different blog posting, but since it’s MY blog there are no rules as to what I may post!

The long goodbye of this post’s title relates to an episode of the West Wing – I loved that series I have the DVDs of all seven series.  I digress The Long Goodbye relates to one of the main character’s father who has Alzheimer's Disease and how the condition is like a long goodbye as the person deteriorates slowly Dementia but quicker with Alzheimer.

I recently went to visit a friend Harriet* who lives in a residential home because she has Alzheimer.  I had last visited just at the beginning of December 2012.  

When I arrived this week (May 2013), Harriet knew who I was and when she lost her their train of thought mid sentence would become frustrated as she is fully aware it is because of the Dementia.  At first the conversation was “normal” but I quickly realised it was not completely “normal.”

Harriet took off her necklace asking me if I could see her nail varnish, I could not see the connection between the necklace and the nail varnish.  Her nail varnish which used to be maintained with a great pride was chipped and flaking off, according the “weekly activity notice board” the nail technician was due to visit in 2 days time.  I was asked several times if I could see her nail varnish, she even asked me how I could make it look better, when I explained it had to be removed then re-applied Harriet was completely amazed by this concept.

When I had first arrived Harriet was sitting in one of the communal area of the home, the residential home is clean and does not smell of “old people,” daily activities are arranged and all the staff I saw were polite, kind and obviously knew all the residents well.  

After finishing her drink, Harriet and I went to her room where she proceeded to “tidy” things away, moving them from place to place.  It was in her room Harriet’s confusion was much more evident, her shoes live in a very prominent tub next to her chair.  After moving a few things on the bed, she turned around and was amazed to find she owned several shoes, changing out of her pair of shoes to put on an odd pair of tow left foot black shoes.  After prompting Harriet did manage to put on a pair of shoes.

After tea Harriet’s confusion was even worse, she did not know me at all.  When Harriet asked me my name I said 

“Pam” 

her response was 

“I know a Pam, how odd to meet two Pams in the same day.”  

The conversation became more difficult to follow before I realised she was talking about her own childhood at the same time as talking about her in-laws.  The saddest thing was when she started talking to the chest of drawers thinking it was her parents, even knocking on the drawer to inform them she was leaving the room.

The progressive deterioration of the disease was evident as the afternoon went on, but I’m guess if I was to visit again tomorrow she would know who I was but slowly deteriorate during the visit, which is a symbolic representation of the disease itself.  I know it will only become worse and the essence of Harriet, the part which made her Harriet was only visible in glimpses today, I guess but next week a little bit more will have gone as she slowly says goodbye over a long period of time

At least with depression there is a chance to recover, unlike Harriet and her dementia, I’m so glad I am feeling better as I need to live each day as much as I possible since you never know what the future holds.

Acceptance

I have neglected by blog for far to long.  I have found the past two years extremely difficult but I now need to accept things have changed & it's time to move on.  

I've been very low and feeling sorry for myself again I need to pull myself together I know this is easier said than done

I was recently told to 

• stop feeling sorry for myself 

• stop missing what I don't have 

• start enjoying what I actually have

This made me realise that I've been feeling so low and hiding away from what I have.  So since then I've been trying to focus on positives

Work has been difficult I've reapplied for my own job three times in two years and there will be a fourth time in the next year or so but at least I have a job!  My hours have been changed 30 minutes less each day means I now have to work an extra day every 8 weeks, but we never finish on time as it is so it will be an extra day a month for no extra pay, but at least I still have a job!

The trigger which I'm not discussing has not changed I did meet up with a few of those who I had fallen out with, I'm glad I did as it showed I've made the correct decision not to continue to have contact with them.  Very easy to write not so easy to accept.  

I've recently had a Big birthday  one that ends in a 0 so as I start a new Decade I have a new attitude - accept what I have not look back to what is missing.

I have an excellent daughter who is caring and loving, who spoilt me rotten for my birthday, kidnapped me, if you can call being taken to London for a surprise trip away a kidnapping - then arranged a full itinerary for the two days including tickets to the view from the shard for my birthday present.

I have been mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book thanking me for help - all I've done is send a few tweets and facebook messages to the author Michelle Betham and comment on her blog.  I found this to be soooo exciting as I love reading but to be mentioned was just so thrilling

So I'm counting my blessings 

• I have an excellent daughter  

• A brilliant birthday 

• I have a job 

• I love cricket 

• Mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book Striker by Michelle Betham

• I am only friends with those I want to be with 

 As  my I have a new mug says I need to 

• Shut up and deal with it ......

Just not on my blog since I tell you how I'm feeling which is a lot more chilled :) 

Pam xoxo

Kindle and eBooks

I was bought Kindle for Christmas, complete with screen protector, cover and light.  I LOVE it, it goes everywhere with me, I just throw it in my bag and off I go, no more hulking great books with me or choosing a handbag based on the size of a book.  I can still read in the bath as my kindle fits into a ziplock bag to keep it dry!

I have a kindle and use Amazon as I asked twitter for advice and kindle was the overwhelming recommendation.  I have downloaded books from Amazon both expensive and free, some mistakes have been made, but found out that if downloaded in error I could return to Amazon for a full refund – I clicked buy instead of sample and having read the sample really didn’t want to buy it.

Friends are divided between kindles are:

the best thing since sliced bread

or

the work of the devil and will be the death of books

However, I have read more books this year than I’ve done for years, both established and independent authors

I have a real mixture of books on my kindle from classics, thrillers, factual, autobiographies to chick lit/romances, although it could be argued that Jane Austen was the first chick lit/romance author but she is now considered a classic author.  I have downloaded books from authors I have tweeted with and even tweeted with authors of books I’ve downloaded.

I am currently trying to read Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables – this is hard work, but since Russell Crowe will be in a new film adaptation of Les Mis I want to read the book first.  There is debate about whether one should only read classic and not the so called ‘Trashy’ chick lit romance novels, but when I can’t sleep at 3am I don’t want to be concentrating on a novel I just want something easy to read, with a happy ever after at the end.  Insomnia is bad enough at the best of times without having to make your brain work hard concentration on a book or reading a weepy.  

As usual I have more than one book on the go at once, a friend has recommended EL James' Fifty Shade of Grey 

you must read it we’re ALL reading it even though it is VERY racy

I know this has had some terrible reviews on Amazon, but the last book this friend recommended was good so I will read it – it’s nearly as hard work as Les Mis but so was Wuthering Heights and that is a lovely story.  Oh I'm not comparing EL James to Victor Hugo or Emily Brontë!

I've read Lisette Brodey's books after I followed her on Twitter, Crooked Moon was a lovely read and not what I was expecting, so will have to down load another of her books next.

I read Michelle Bethan’s No Matter What – it was on offer and free when I downloaded and just loved this book.  Not sure why maybe I could related in various ways to India the main character, - no I’m not a famous Hollywood actress with a fabulous lifestyle - but just on the personal level even though I’ve not been through what India has.  The character made me think about things and in the same way I fell in love with Jane Austen’s Anne Elliot, Mr Darcy, Captain Wentworth, I fell in love with India Stevens.  I have since purchased and read Michelle Betham's other books which I enjoyed just not in the same way.  I even follow Michelle on twitter although she probably thinks me some weird stalker fan – those who know me on here and twitter will (hopefully) know I’m not a weido or stalker just a friendly person trying to brighten up the day and encourage others.

So I will return to my kindle and Les Mis hopefully I will finish it before the film is released although Lisette Brodey's Molly Hacker is Too Picky is calling me and Michelle Bethan is editing her next book so maybe just maybe I will not have time to finish Les Mis, thank you to all the various authors, please keep your imaginations working creating lovely stories, mysteries crimes to draw me into various situations I would never go to otherwise.  

All this reading is helping me to Chill more and be so much less stressed or depressed


epilogue !!


read all three shades of grey books - found out the friend hadn't read it before recommending it to me didn't even finish book one - they are badly written very predictable even.  I had written this before hearing all the hype about these books.  I'm glad I read them, but there are so many better books around.

I've been a poor friend ....

I have not spoken/eMailed been in touch with my friends in real life.  It is easy to keep in touch with Twitter friends but not so easy with real friends for this I am truly sorry.

It is nothing that my friends have done, just me, it is easier to think I’ll contact them tomorrow, but before you know it a month has gone by, then two, six months, a year, 18 months, so I need to rectify that.  I know I should be eMailing my friends directly instead of writing about it on my blog, but this way I am able to sort things in my head as to what I want to say.

One friend was upset that I hadn’t kept in touch, but after she had cancelled coffee twice I thought she didn’t want to know me, not that she had other appointments on those days – no excuse but since I was so low I was convinced that she didn’t want to meet me.  It is just one example of how my depression has separated my from others.

I have not even sent Christmas cards for at least two years, didn’t even bother with a tree in 2010, I usually wrote a Round Robin letter with my cards, but nothing not even an explanation let alone card or letter.  I have chatted a bit via facebook, but even then not answered messages to friends.  I was always going to do it tomorrow – but as usual tomorrow has never materialised.

It was my birthday recently, not a big one but am using it as a time to make birthday resolutions – like new year but made at my birthday not 1 January – so if I write them on here, then I will update my blog as to have I am progressing, so here is my list

    1      Contact my friends – apologise to them for not being in touch – then try and keep in touch

    2      Update my blog regularly, not just when I remember & reply to comments made – if someone has been kind enough to make a comment I should be polite enough to respond/answer their question

    3      Be more social – text my friends more

    4      Try to go out and meet others more – want to help at local cricket club as well as watching cricket

    5      I need to start thinking very positively and not thinking woe is me as it’s not healthy for me or my daughter as she is the one who is most affected by my low moods.

So filled with good intentions I am off to write some eMails and respond to comments made on earlier postings

Still learning to chill out – taking a bit longer than I had hoped 

Counselling

I had the form for the counselling services for some months before I posted it off.  The time felt right for me to start addressing some of my issues.

I had a phone message left giving me choices of a few dates/times.  I accepted one and then blogged I was going for counselling, I was quite nervous and I had a few very positive and encouraging comments about the benefits of counselling.

I nervously attended the first session,  The counsellor whom I’ll call Katie was lovely, she explained how the service work and asked about the initial catalyst that had caused the severe depression and my childhood and my so called love life and other details of my life.  I left after the hour rushed by I felt very positive about having started some counselling.

The second session with Katie she asked me some questions base on what I had initially told her last week.  This session was spent mostly on my childhood; she made some comments about my parents/grandparent, which I became very defensive about, however, have spent some time thinking about what was said, I agreed with her.  Some things said to me when I was young, were unkind, hurtful, and should not have been said to a child.  I need to start looking after myself, let others look after themselves.

Just returned from my third session.  I’m going to write a letter, which will probably never be sent but might make me feel better.  I need to remember I am an adult and not a child about to be told off; I need to recognise the feelings and learn not to react child like but to remain in control of the situation. 

She suggested ways to enable me to sleep prior to a day shift.  My biggest fear is that I will sleep in, so instead of sleeping I spend most of the night worrying that I’ll sleep through the alarm.  New ways of waking up are needed, instead of just relying on one alarm clock think of other ways.  This has helped and I’ve worked three day shifts without sleeping in and have slept for at least 7 hours.

Fourth session was did I write the letter – I did but haven’t sent it – not going to send it but it made me feel better.

The rest of the sessions became a bit more personal which I’m sure you will understand that I don’t want to share with my blog.  I had a total of 8 sessions.  Most of the time I feel OK but I still have some bad days.  Whilst having CBT my GP told me, it would be better if I were not taking anti depressants at the same time I did feel OK at the time.

Other things have happened and I can feel my self sinking back into depression again so I may have to go back to the Dr for some anti-depressants.  Not having been on twitter for a while due to looking after daughter has not helped as I used twitter to help keep me sane – well not so depressed

It all helping me Learning to Chill

Daughter

My daughter has put up with a lot lately, she was the person who had initially dragged me to see the GP and suggested counselling.

Unfortunately she has broken her foot and two toes so I am now looking after her which is how things should be not the other way round.

It would be wrong to call her hop-along but that is an appropriate description especially as she can't weight-bare. We had had a great time in London a terrible journey home then I was back at work whilst she was still partying when she broke her bones, so it's Mum to the rescue. 

I really hope she has a quick recovery not for me but for her


Update


10 weeks later daughter still is unable to drive:(  


Don't tell her but whilst I may have moan about looking after her I am enjoying spending more time with her !!

Cricket

For those who follow my tweets you may have noticed a few cricket tweets, something like

100 for 2 from 20 overs RR 5.0 chasing 200 #engVsl

Makes perfect sense to me and other cricket fans but an American follower did ask me what on earth I was taking about!!  Let me explain very simply the teams have 11 men who have to score the most points – runs.  One team is hitting – batting, the other team are throwing – bowling and trying to stop them scoring runs – fielding.  Once 10 men from one team are all out – an innings, then the teams swap similar to rounders or baseball.  In test cricket, the matches last up to five days and both teams have two innings.  In one day matches each team has either 50 or 20 overs to throw – bowl (six throw/bowls = one over) at the other team.  There are ten ways to be out, but that is another story!

I love cricket, prefer test matches but one day matches and Twenty20 matches are still good to watch.  I watch cricket on TV the way I used to with my dad, TV volume turned down, TMS on the radio.  It is made more difficult with the satellite TV being slightly out of sync with the radio.

Some people say cricket is boring, and it can be at times, but to me it is a fascinating sport.  The England cricket team have not always been very good, for years they lost series after series, were bottom of the ranking tables.  It was never easy being an English cricket fan, the Australian media even called the English travelling fans Barmy.

Then slowly they started to win matches and even win series in 2005 they won the Ashes – beat Australia - in England but when they went to Australia in 2007/08 they lost 5-0, making it once again very difficult to be a England cricket fan, especially as the matches were on in the middle of the night.  I was either staying up or sleeping with the radio on.  They lost the 2008 series against South Africa so it looked like England was returning to losing again!

In 2009 they beat the Australians at home, then last winter 2010/11 they won in Australia helping to erase the nightmare of four years earlier, at the time I tweeted that I’d rather win an Ashes Series than a football world cup – not me personally you understand but the England team!  The cricket world cup did not go so well for England, some absolutely brilliant nail bitingly close matches, but going out in the quarter finals.

However, this week England have become the ICC number one ranked test team, it is a fantastic feeling although I am really enjoying this feeling I keeping wondering how long it will last for, it makes a change for the glum faces in the grounds not to be English, but I am making the most of it for now.

It all helps me to CHILL  

So what has helped - Other People’s Blogs

Through Twitter, I have followed links to other people’s blogs and daily papers.  Some I have read but not looked at again, others I have ‘Followed’ some I just lurk and look periodically.

A couple of blogs have affected me by their writing

1                     Poems and their stories  -  A selection of poems by Kirsten Shaw

2                     Me and my shadow  -  earl of bootyopia

I am not usually a fan of poetry, but Kirsten’s poems are easy to understand and often contain an explanation of the meaning or why they have been written.  I find it easy to relate to the pain and loneliness in some of her poems.  They make me realise that I am not alone in feeling loss.

The other blog, on depression has really affected me.  I wondered why it had affected me so much.  I think it was because I could relate to most of what had been written and maybe I had been depressed for much longer that I thought.  I have always felt I am not as good as my siblings, colleagues, friends and my best is never enough. 

I recently tweeted about losing followers on twitter I said that if I was unfollowed it was because they found me uninteresting.  Some lovely people told me I was talking rubbish, but I felt I was just being honest, not false modestly or looking for a compliment from others, but because that is how I genuinely feel.

After reading Earl of Bootyopia’s blog I decided that it was about time I posted the forms off for some counselling, I had been thinking about it for a while, especially after going to one of the Time For Change Roadshows.  So I sent off the form, and now two weeks later I have an appointment for tomorrow with a counsellor.  Not sure what to expect, but I shall see what happens as I’m going with an open mind - albeit a poorly mind !

It all helps to learn to chill and relax and be less stressed, so thank you to all the bloggers out there, you never know who is reading and you never know you may be helping them.

Thank you

ps - please tick the reactions box !  thanks

Update - been for my first counselling session, the counsellor was lovely, didn't make me feel an idiot or stupid and am going back next week 

Catalyst over

As previously mentioned the catalyst that sparked my depression was not a death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

The events that were related to the crazy remark are now resolved – good I hear you say everything will be back to normal – No it is not, as there are knock on effects that I have to deal with, again these events are not the subject of this blog.

It is how I will cope from here on in.  I need to re evaluate things and how I am going to be going forward.  One of those initially involved eMailed me – so not rushing in I am thinking of an appropriate response – initial reaction was ‘go away’ or words to that effect!  Meanwhile they have sent a message via facebook thinking I have not received the original eMail.  They are obviously so arrogant to think that I have not replied because I have not received the eMail rather than I am not sure if I want to contacted them again!

Still the dilemma remains – do I want to make contact with them again or not – we had all been close friends for a long time before this started.  I am still pondering if I want to contact them or no, although the eMail makes clear only one of the group does want to make contact with me – ironically, it is not the sender but I would have to go through them.

I had been feeling quite good about things, but this has upset me again, so I whilst I ponder I will just continue to CHILL!

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

If a comment may be taken the wrong way, I do so.  Not everyone is out to attack me or knock my confidence constantly, easy to type not easy to believe.  I’m NOT paranoid just take things very personally.

Let me explain  

• When told I was being sent on a communications course became convinced it was a personal vendetta, against me, now have settled down and realise that it was not a personal attack, just coincidence that with 24 hours there were two customer complaints made about me – see Upsetting Communications

•  When asked to swap shift, I am always happy to swap for others, but very rarely am I able to find anyone who will swap with me, it is usually because those who would swap are unable to due to their shifts.   

• Little things will wind me up, and then it takes a long time to settle down, at work, I just say "I am worked up and trying to chill", unfortunately at home, I end up shouting at the daughter.  I should not shout at her or let her be the focus of my stress as it is not fair on her especially as daughter she has been a big help

Having described the problem, I’m no nearer to finding a solution as to stopping becoming so wound up but I realise that I DO need to do something so I can CHILL and relax more and not take things so personally.